Version B1

Just a bit contemplative today. I took a day off work so I spent the morning cleaning, a worry looming over my head like one of those cartoon clouds that follows you around. My mom had always told me there would be a crossroads one day where I'd have to choose music or a "Real life." 

I am always afraid I've hit that crossroads... I guess I shouldn't really fear it. It is inevitable, and what's the point of fearing something that's bound to come?

Or maybe it's just the definitions in my head that need to be fixed. 

Sigh.  

Tired. Irate.

Here it comes again: another moment of screaming "I just want to get out of here!" at the top of my lungs, in my head. I'm annoyed and irate because things are bothering me. Things like boyfriends that forget what should be fairly easy to remember...of wondering if I'm on the right track...of being fearful of getting pulled into decisions that will sink me in a hole somewhere and close doors that might be open. It once bothered me to have so many doors open, but there's a frightening feeling of finality when one or others close. That if one door closes, I should have figured myself out a little bit more. And the pressure of having to do that - even when I might be ready to. That hesitation of thinking, maybe I'm not at all...?

Just trying to breathe and remember that oftentimes, when we think we'll fall, we don't. And that there is still some greater being that sees beyond what I can. Maybe I'm just trying too hard to see it.