Envy

The grass is always greener on the other side. I think I've finally reached a calm with where I am in life. I'm on the road to finishing my first full record, I've got a fun job that pays me (albeit in dirt) to go on adventures like American Idol auditions, and allows me to speak to artists like Lisa Loeb and Hayley Williams... even if it induces a lot of restlessness in me...I've got a great family, and while I haven't kept in contact with a lot of college friends, I've managed to maintain bonds with my high school girls and of course, the friends I've always grown up with. I've got a great boyfriend and really, I can't complain. I'm never going to be content unless I've really made something of myself, so for now I just need to relax and be okay with that.

Work is busy today, but I've managed some blog time and avoided hyper self-reflection. I could go for a shopping spree, but I know I can't really afford it.

Oh being a poor college graduate...

Of sentimental value

I took home Murray, the black build-a-bear, because my boyfriend is leaving for Virginia for a week. I think it's funny that this small gesture creates a world of comfort to me. I know a week isn't a long time, but we've rarely been away from each other, and if we have, it's usually myself leaving. The longest I've been gone has been less than a week (a big change from last year's hyper-traveling).

So now I've got this adorable stuffed toy sitting next to me, in all his chubby delights, with a friendly little smile on his face. Even his scent reminds me of Rob. I appreciate that he can understand my attachment to stuffed toys. When I went to L.A. he took Ludwig, the monkey, and that was a measure of comfort for both of us, too. I guess it's something about knowing you've got an extension to the person you care about to substitute for the time being. Sure, it's just an inanimate thing. But the warmth comes from knowing it's something cherished by the person you care for; something they wouldn't just leave with you to abandon, but to come back to. It's an assurance too, I believe. And a demonstration that one trusts the other person to care for that cherished memento.

I'm going to miss him.

I'm a buttercup.

Today was awash in exhaustion. I haven't recovered from lacking sleep the night of American Idol, and the night before. All for that article (http://www.northjersey.com/betterliving/American_Idol_Our_candidate_.html). Luckily tomorrow I get off work, so I can spend time with mom and finally catch the J.M.W. Turner and the Koons exhibits at the Met before they close.
It was an experience, to say the least. It may seem I should talk about it, but I really don't want to. I spent the day explaining how it went to at least 6 or 7 co-workers, some of whom I've never spoken to for longer than a few seconds in greeting. They were sweet, though, surprising me with a Tweety bird balloon and a Congratulations! card with notes of encouragement, and "You'll always be our idol!" written in bold blue ink. :) I felt loved.

I had band practice tonight. It was good, though I sense Jon and Dave are a bit annoyed with not being able to play on the record. I know... I wish I could explain to them that it's much more the end-goal of finishing the record than being diplomatic about everything. That sounds sort of mean though, doesn't it? I guess I have to be more straightforward with some things if I'm to get things done. They make great musicians and friends to play live with, that's for sure. I'm excited and anxious about how it'll all turn out. We're at the last stretch of vocals - the backups start this weekend.

Rob bought me cupcakes from Buttercup Bakery in the city last night. Red velvet - my unofficial favorite. I ate one and the other is in the fridge, as I resist temptation at least for a few more hours. I haven't really spent time with him since Saturday, thanks to this busy work week and band practice tonight. I saw him for just a few minutes today, and when he left it was surprisingly difficult to say goodbye, even knowing I'd see him tomorrow night. Maybe it's because I know he's going to Virginia for a week, then eventually to L.A. for another week. All this time we've been together, we've never been away from each other for that long. Not even when I went to L.A.

Sigh. I guess I'm getting attached...

Introduction

When I was in high school and college, I used to recount my every days on the once-hip blogsite Xanga (am I allowed to say that here? Blog gods spare me). That was when every moment seemed like a turn at the street corner, every normally normal event was momentous and symbolic to me, a wide-eyed kid who mostly grew up in Jersey playing my guitar and dreaming of one day meeting some nice man from a nice record label who would hear me playing some of my nice tunes at a quaint Greenwich Village dive.

Well, you dream big in Jersey. I'm still dreaming now, but being 22 and done with college and being forced out the doors of academia into the light outside the cave tells me that strategy, not fantastic hopes, is a better way to reach success. Whatever that is.

Not that I'm against hopes. It's just, things don't happen just because you will it.

So I haven't met that nice man yet, but I've met some wonderful men and women, those years I spent at Greenwich Village and Chinatown cafes, playing my tunes in cute little places, and even big places in colleges far away. I saw that the dream could be better than just a deal and some sort of validation. I saw that there were more hopes and dreams in other areas of my life I hadn't accounted for, in embracing the miraculous hope bubble all those years.

So here I go, back to talking my way into understanding or at least sanity (talking to myself... really), at least in this part of the tunnel out of the cave. Maybe somewhere along the way will be that nice man at the side of the road.