When it comes to big decisions, I have a tendency to turn to someone else to help me gain clarity. I don't stop first to consider my own thoughts. Or, I do, but I second guess them the instant they come. Alex pointed this out to me a few times. When it came to hard decisions about the record, I wasn't sure what points I'd want to change in songs... so I'd ask my sister, and my best friend, and other people and then get back to Alex with these thoughts. Soon he caught on. I was just picking things up from others - I wasn't relying on my own ears.
Tonight I was reminded that I need to rely on my own heart, mind and soul too. It's not that it's a bad thing to consider other people's thoughts, it's just that when it becomes a substitute for my own, I start to lose myself, and second-guessing becomes second nature. What will I do when there's no one there to tell me what I should?
I'd gladly attribute it to the way I was raised, though I'm wary about sounding eager to find a scapegoat. I'm not. I just think that I've always felt compelled to follow the basic goals my mom and grandparents laid out for me: do well in school, stay close to the church, family first. It's not that these things are bad, it's just that it becomes the prerogative for everything I do just because I'm used to it. Not because I've learned it for myself. I'm proud of how I've turned out, and I know I've made a lot of mistakes, but for the most part I've been playing things safe. Given our financial situation in life, I've been given much. I've done little to risk this - not that I think I should - but I've never been compelled to just figure out all this stuff for myself. I'm grateful for the firm foundation of a religious family and an independent mother figure. But how ironic, I can follow the independence of my mom on some levels but not on others - not when it comes to making big decisions. Sometimes, I just feel better letting my mom in on things, as though she'll figure it out for me.
It's not healthy, and I see that it could become dangerous for me. My grandparents are eager to keep me sheltered and thrust their judgment on me, but I can't let that sway me. My mom is trying to show me that she trusts me, but she still watches like a hawk. I can't let that make me question myself on my judgments and actions. Sure, I can be stupid and make dumb decisions. But who doesn't? And - not to fall on my face - but maybe I need to learn from my own mistakes too. In the process I can learn to take risks, especially in the music world. Risks that are good investments in the end. . . like this album. I need to understand that it's a little crazy, but I'm doing it because I have a resolve, and that's the end of it.
And I need to trust that I've been a good person, I've tried my best in what I can and tried not to be too reckless with the serious stuff. But most of all, I've followed my passion and ultimately kept my ear to what God wants me to do with my life. . . that, I know I still need to polish up.
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